Today's NYSE Outage - Behind the Scenes

Here is what happened during today’s three-hour NYSE outage.  (No, I won’t expose my sources.  And unless you can prove otherwise, this is what really happened.)

Valerie Jarrett interrupts a meeting in the Oval Office. 

“. . . if we don’t kill ‘em, we use ‘em.”   [laughter]

Obama: Ah Valerie.  You know David Thorstad and Cecile Richards.

Jarrett:  Oh yes.  We go way back.  Mr. President, the New York Stock Exchange is offline.  They are investigating the problem now and will let us know when they have it back online.

Obama:  What is a stock exchange?

Jarrett: The exchange is where stock transactions take place in the stock market.

Obama:  What is a market?

[2.5 hours later]

Obama: Ah, I think I understand now.  And we can’t tax this thing?  That sure is a lot of money.

Jarrett:  We do, actually, but that is something I think we should look at again.  Anyway, can we rescind your ‘stand down’ order to close all stock markets, and instead tell the New York Stock Exchange it is OK to bring their system back online?

Obama: I suppose.  But I want to revisit this with you and the others.  I want options.  [Taking his feet off the furniture to stress his seriousness.]

Jarrett:  Our Stock Market Reform plans have been ready for some time now, Mr. President.  We’ll need a few more pieces to fall into place before the masses will accept our plan.  And remember, we can’t turn it off until our key donors get their money out.

Obama: [laughing]  Shit, that’s right.  I keep forgetting that.  Ok, start her back up.  But be sure we get the credit.  And Valerie, cancel the rest of my meetings.  I'm headed up to the residence.  This has been one heck of a stressful day.

Jarrett:  Of course Mr. President.  Will do.  The only meeting left was with John Koskinen, but he's here again tomorrow.

Jarrett [phone]:  Mr. Farley, you may start it back up.

NYSE Data Center:  A man reboots a server.